Philip Hassey
The Green Canoe
Several years ago, my large friend Doug and I were canoeing around a lake in a small green canoe. We talked about how if someone fell into the lake, it might not be funny at the time, but it would be something we'd look back on and laugh about. As we came into the dock and Doug jumped out, the canoe filled over and I fell in. The whole deal was hilarious at the time, because Doug and I were pretty licquered up on orange juice and those big hamburgers. My first dating "relationship" was a lot like falling out of a small green canoe.
Betsy Vis was a cute sophmore girl, and she was the pastor's daughter. We hung out. Before we dated, we went to basketball games and made fun of the J.V. team, and the fat kid who always fell on the floor and left big grease marks. Then she'd go join the cheer-leaders and cheer for the Varsity team. I went to every single game that year, and I think I actually did care a bit about the team too. They did have a winning season.
I figure what really attracted me to her after a while was that she was pretty much a psycho. Our first conversation was a year earlier during cross country. She came up to me and informed me that she had been thrown out of my mom's Algebra I class. I don't know why she told me that, but it sure impressed me. I had never gotten thrown out of my mom's class. Although I had been sent to my room before, so it was almost a common ground.
Betsy had a revenge based motto for her life. "I don't get mad, I get even." The time she filled Mr. VanTol's coffee cup with staples and just about killed him made me realize that she meant buisiness. He was my favorite teacher, but what she did was weird enough to impress me. I'm glad I never induced her full wrath.
One time we were playing hide and seek in the church. Betsy led me down into the basement nursery. We hid inside of a small kiddie-house. We hid there for a long time, and nobody found us. A perfect opportunity to make a move had been given. I had no idea what to do. I thought about leaning over and giving her a quick kiss or something, but we weren't even official yet. If I did do that, what would she have thought. Maybe if I just held her hand, or said something romantic.
"Did the church really buy this doll house, or was it donated?" I asked.
"It's pretty dark in here, huh?" I said.
"I can hear people running around upstairs," I said.
"I wonder if we won yet?" I asked.
"Do you suppose anyone has hidden here before?" I asked.
I never did get around to kissing her that time, but I always wondered what she had been thinking. Either way, we did win the game, although the church was empty by the time we emerged.
Eventually people started informing us that we should be officially dating. I guess it would be about that time that we got pushed out of our little green canoe. I asked her one night after a basketball game that we had won, "So, are we going out?" I asked.
"Umm, it depends who you ask," she said.
"Well," I said, "What do you say?"
"Yeah, I guess so," she said. Committed. Really.
We were in the water together now.
We also tried to be a spiritual couple. By inviting each other to Bible study's we had great excuses to go on pilgrimages from Whitinsville to Hopkinton. We'd talk about deep things like the time in seventh grade when she shoved a pen into an outlet during one of Mr. Godeke's classes and got herself zapped across the room. I giggled and smiled. At Bible study we'd sit next to each other and study the Bible too. We were so spiritual.
About a week later we went to the Valentine's Day dance. After that we hung out at the Bjornsen's. While we were watching T.V. I looked around the room and saw the other couples. Ben and Heather were in some hand holding position with all four hands. I watched them for a while and tried to follow the whole maze of intertwinement. Right next to us were Tim and Anne. They were just holding hands. I could handle that a bit better. Even though Betsy and I had only been really dating for a week, we had sort of been dating for a few months. I guessed we could hold hands, although I wasn't quite sure how to do that. I looked over at the "advanced" couple, and tried to see how they did it. Having never read any books on hand holding as it appeared they had, I just couldn't see how they did it. My eyes passed to Tim and Anne again. Just holding hands. I decided that I would try that. I darted my hand out and grabbed for her hand. Wow. We were holding hands. A lot more intense than it sounds.
Someone told me that girls like to get called on the phone. I decided to call Betsy on the phone.
"Yo, Betsy," I said when she picked up.
"Hi, Phil," she said.
We never did have any deep conversations during our relationship. Never had vivid testimonies of our passionate love for each other. Anything like that would have been too weird, and just not us.
The next Wednesday I had my first car accident. While trying to escort the lovely Betsy Vis to Bible study, I pulled a little too close to the cars that were parked against the curb. My mirror scraped the other car's mirror off. I don't suppose that this impressed her a whole lot. I've never actually asked her if she was impressed by my driving skills. I'd hope not.
Her brother Steve came out and gave some vague advice about possibly using duct tape to solve the problem. Somehow it didn't quite happen.
I figure the pinacle of our relationship came out when we were on the thirty-hour famine. Thirty hours is a long time not to eat anything. A bonding moment amoung a couple. One of our more romantic moments was while we were standing by a lake behind the YMCA where we were picking up trash as a service project. We stood there watching the sunset over the water and a piece of trashed rolled by on the ground.
I turned to her slowly and said "Pick it up."
"No, it's your turn," Betsy responded.
"I'm holding the bag," I said, "You get it."
"No."
"Yes."
But by that time, it was too late. The wad of crumped paper had rolled into the lake and had already floated out a ways. We watched it float away as the sun reflected deep and moving colors of off the dozen styrophome cups we had missed.
I got Betsy a rose for our one month aniversary. I even made a card to go with it. I spent quite a while trying to think of something deep and sentimental that wouldn't make me throw up. "You are as beautiful as a box of donuts," just didn't have the ring I was looking for. I just wrote "YŠ!" on the cover. I was pleased with it. She didn't get me anything. Although I guess if she had gotten me a dozen red roses I would have really started to worry about things
I tried to teach her to ballroom dance again that night at the dance. She just wasn't all over that. I could never figure out why. Slow dancing is just boring and stupid. Ballroom dancing, now that puts on a show. It's like standing in the middle of a muddy field with a girl and watching your feet get dirty and somehow feeling emotional about muddy toes when you could be running around like wired little forth graders chucking rocks at each-other.
After the dance we watched a nature program about ants, butterflies and pollination issues at the parsonage. The mood was set. Phil was going to make his move. Not that it was actually my decision, or hers for that matter. I guess we had a choice in the matter, more or less. At the dance earlier several couples told us that "this is how you do it" as they went on to demonstrate how to smooch.
That moment was probably one of the most awkward five minutes of my life. We started standing about ten feet apart in the dark entrance to her house, after the nature program.
We went on to avoid each other's gaze for a few minutes as we muttered the word "um" quite a few times. Then the answering machine beeped. It did so every couple seconds.
"Is that the answering machine?" I asked. I knew how to put the girls in the mood.
"Yep," Betsy answered.
I suppose others have had better lines, but hey. I'm not one of the others. I've been lost at the wrong end of a mall for six hours, I have rights to do otherwise.
I looked across the room to her eyes. Although her eyes weren't green like the canoe's they were blue. They were about the color of the car.
Then we approached, and gave each other a weak hug. As we let go, we let our lips brush together, and for a few brief moments we were kissing+. Since she was the pastor's daughter, that meant it was a holy kiss. We were a spiritual couple. About half a second later, I tried to say, "See ya later," and I left.
So, I dated a girl once. Being that it was a lot like being tossed out of a canoe into eel infested waters, I figure it was a good learning experience.
Feburary 7 to March 19, forty days. How Biblical.
+about two thirds of a second
