Philip Hassey
(Creative Writing)
me+ali+mr.tom+management+tarring the roof
"Mr. Hoss."
"Yes, sir," I said to Mr. Tom, Mr. Tom Levenson that is.
"Mr. Hoss," he said slowly, looking at me, "what are you doing, Mr. Hoss?"
I thought about that for a moment, "Nailing shingles onto the roof?"
"Mr. Hoss," replied Mr. Tom, "We finished nailing shingles to the roof a long time ago," he stood there, looking at me, I looked at him, "Mr. Hoss," he said, "I want you to tar the roof."
"Okay," I said.
"You see those barrels?"
"Yes, what about them?"
"Mr. Hoss," said Mr. Tom, "I want you to stir up the tar in those barrels?"
I looked at him for a while trying to comprehend what he had just told me to do, "You want me to stir up the tar in those barrels?"
"That is correct, Mr. Hoss, I want you to stir up the tar in those barrels with this stick."
So I walked over to the barrels, they were closed and they wouldn't open, "Mr. Tom, Mr. Tom, I can not open these barrels."
Shaking his head he said, "Mr. Hoss, you need to use a screw-driver to open the barrels."
"I don't have a screw-driver."
"Then why don't you just go and get one then."
I paused for a moment, "I see one over there."
"That is very good, Mr. Hoss, how about you go get it and use it."
So I got, and used it, opened up the barrel of tar and began to stir the barrel with the stick provided by Mr. Tom, "Mr. Tom," I said, "Mr. Tom, the tar is very thick, I can not stir this tar."
"That is a very good point, Mr. Hoss," said Mr. Tom, then he shouted out, "Justin!"
"Yes," said Justin.
"I want you to go and siphon some gas out of the truck, and put it in the barrel so that Mr. Hoss will be able to stir the tar."
Justin headed off to do the task, "Now, Mr. Hoss," said Mr. Tom, "Do you know how to tar a roof?"
"I do not, sir."
"It is very simple, Mr. Hoss, you take this mop, and you smear it around on the roof, and then we flip the next shingle over on top of the tar," he waited for a moment for a response, "Do you understand, Mr. Hoss?"
"I think so," I said, Justin returned with his siphoned gas, and we began to stir again, "Mr. Tom, this is a highly explosive solution we're making here isn't it."
"Yes it is, Mr. Hoss, however since we aren't playing with matches it will not explode, get back to work, Mr. Hoss."
So I stirred and stirred, and then I was done, "Hey, Mr. Tom, I am done."
"That is very good, Mr. Hoss, now start to tar, and you Justin will be management, make sure that Mr. Hoss does not do anything stupid."
"Yes sir," said Justin.
Then Byron walked by, "Byron Flagg," said Mr. Tom, "I would like you to assist Mr. Hoss with the roof tarring process, get the mop and get to it."
"Do I have to?" asked Byron.
"Yes," said Mr. Tom.
We tarred away, and soon enough the first shingle was tarred, "Mr. Tom," I shouted, "We have finished the first shingle."
"Mr. Hoss, that is very good, now flip it over and do the next one."
"I can't."
"Mr. Hoss, you can, just use that shim and on the count of three you all flip it over. Yes that means you too, Justin."
"But I can't, Mr. Tom."
"Mr. Hoss, you will do this."
"Mr. Tom, I can not."
"Mr. Hoss, you will do this, if we have to pray about it."
"Then I guess we will have to."
So Mr. Tom began to pray about it, "Dear God, please guide Mr. Hoss' hands as he flips the shingle onto the tar, in Jesus name, Amen," he paused then added, "Now, Mr. Hoss, get to it."
We did, we flipped the shingle with much success, and Justin nailed it down. And thus, we began the next shingle only thirty more to go. Mr. Tom then announced that he would sit down on a chair on the other side of the roof and leave the project into Justin's competent hands.
That's when Ali walked by, "Look, it's morale support!" I shouted.
"Hey, Ali," said Byron, "Can you hold this mop for me for a second."
"Sure thing," said Ali as she grabbed the mop handle, "so what are you doing up here?" asked Ali.
"We're mopping the roof," I said, "and Justin is managing the project as Mr. Tom lays back over yonder."
"I see," said Ali., "Well, good luck," she was about to leave when she realized that Byron was no longer with us, "Where is Byron?" We looked around the area, Byron was nowhere to be seen.
"It's your job to mop now," said Justin.
"And what do you do?" asked Ali.
"I manage, get to work, slaves."
So Ali and I began into the task of tarring the roof. Byron walked by a bit later, and laughed at us, "So I see you two got stuck with the job."
"Byron Flagg," shouted Mr. Tom from afar, "where did you go?"
"I went for a drink," said Byron.
"Byron Flagg," said Mr. Tom, "I would like you to help Justin manage these two."
Onward we went, progressing slowly up the roof, until I slipped on the roof and ripped part of a shingle, "Management," I shouted, "Look what you did!"
"How do you figure I did that?" asked Justin.
"You're the management, it's clearly your job to make sure we don't skrew up."
"Yes," said Justin, "But I didn't skrew up, you did."
"But you didn't stop me from skrewing up."
"Yeah, management, you do jack," added Ali.
"Shut up, labor, get back to work," commanded Justin.
"Work this, pal," I screamed, "We're slaving away and look at you!"
"Yeah, look at me, I'm management, this is what I'm supposed to be doing."
"That's a crock if I ever heard one," said Ali, "They made you management because you're too incapable of doing anything else."
"I'd like to see either of you poor laborers do my job."
"Just watch us, get to work, management," I yelled.
"Not so fast, Mr. Hoss," said Mr. Tom, "I put Justin in charge of you, as well as Byron Flagg, although he isn't here, it is a Biblical principal to obey authority. Justin is for now your superior."
"Yeah right, he does nothing but stand there and mock us," said Ali.
"Miss Ali Miller, settle down," said Mr. Tom, "Do as Justin says and the job will get done."
"And what are you doing?" I asked.
"I am doing 'As little as possible, but as much as necessary,'" said Mr. Tom.
"Now that's a load," I retorted.
"Mr. Hoss," said Mr. Tom, "get back to work, Mr. Hoss."
"Fine," I said, "But this bites."
"Mr. Hoss, "said Mr. Tom, "what is something that you like to do?"
I thought about that for a while, "I like to walk my dog."
"Then pretend, Mr. Hoss, that as you mop you are walking your dog."
So Ali and I mopped away, and got a tad dirty from the tar.
"Mr. Hoss, Miss Ali Miller, I have found something for you," said Mr. Tom, handing us two blue suits, "these are special blue outfits that will keep you from getting more tar on yourselves."
"Well, thank you, Mr. Tom, it is a pity that we are already somewhat covered with tar."
"Too bad," said Justin, "put on the outfits and get to work."
"Do we have to put up with that?" asked Ali.
"Yes," said Mr. Tom, "do as he says." So we did, we put on the outfits, they were quite spiffy, and we carried on.
"Hey Hass, Ali, get over here," shouted Mary.
"Looks like a photo opportunity," I said. So Ali and I strutted over to the edge of the roof.
"Where do you think you're going?" shouted Justin.
"Shut up, management," said Ali, "we're getting our pictures taken."
"Why?"
"Because," I said, "if we're to please the public we have to get some public relations going, this is a photo opportunity, settle down."
"Okay," said Mary.
"Mind if we do our mopping rap and dance?" I asked.
"Sure thing," said Mary.
Ali and I broke into a song and dance routine as an honor of our skills at tarring roofs,
"Yo yo yo
we can mop
cause we've got
lots of skillz
we can tar
yo yo yo
we can school you
any day
cause we've got
lots of skillz
yo yo yo
we can mop
we can tar
yea that's right
we've got skillz," needless to say, we were mighty pleased with ourselves. Management was more than displeased with our lack of work ethic. So we mopped
"Hey, Tommy," shouted Ali, "My morale is going down."
"Yeah, mine too," I said, "get us a radio and we'll play Christafari and we'll polish off the job in no time."
"I bet you will," said Mr. Tom, but he got us the radio anyway. We plopped in Christafari and busted moves as we mopped.
"Hey, management," yelled Ali, "We rule, we're done."
"Oh, really?" said Justin.
"It's a done deal," said Ali.
And it was, we had tarred the entire roof. We rule.
